romy_99x (romy_99x) wrote in kataomoi,
romy_99x
romy_99x
kataomoi
  • Mood: drained
  • Music: Today- Smashing Pumpkins

unrequited love

I've been very stressed lately, my long-term relationship is terrible and has got progressively worse over the past few years. The last 6 months have been horrendous. It all accumulated to a head during my exams which have just finished. I started to like this guy on my course at uni, I'd always sort of noticed him throughout the year, but hadn't really thought about him, until about 2 months ago. The feelings got stronger, we started talking towards the end of the year and the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. Then came the end of year bash at the union bar, he said he was going, but he didn't go. Anyway, as I had been building myself up to tell him about my feelings for him, I couldn't leave the situation hanging until October, so I sent him a text (I had developed some confidence through gin) telling him what I felt for him and that I had to get it off my chest. I didn't hear from him that night, and on waking the next morning to a painful sense of embarrassment, I sent him another text, apologising for the previous night's message, while blaming it on being drunk. Later in the day, I received a message from him, he apologised for taking so long to reply, as he had been very drunk the night before and had not woken up until 1pm the next day. Although I believed he must have known that I really liked him, he said he had no idea and was quite shocked, he was sorry that he didn't feel the same towards me, but that he liked me as a friend and hoped it could stay that way. He said he hoped I would have a nice summer if he didn't see me. There were another couple of messages exchanged that day, but I thought I wouldn't be seeing him until October. I told my boyfriend about everything, he was gutted. We had a quiet couple of days, we actually got on better than we had for months, or years even, but we had a massive argument one night and I thought it had confirmed that we would have to split up. I was split between wanting to make a go of it, because of our daughter, and leaving him, even though Tom didn't want me. I decided to make a go of it, and started to make an effort to improve things. I actually stopped thinking about Tom so much and thought I would cope with being friends.
I was at the uni last Friday, about to pick my daughter up from the nursery, when someone said hello, I didn't even notice him before that. It was pretty embarrassing at first, but he is such a genuinely lovely guy, he put me right at ease, he didn't want me to be embarrassed and admitted that he was quite flattered by it. Anyway, all I can think about now is Tom, I just can't get him out of my mind. I feel like I can't be bothered to make an effort with my relationship because it's not what I really want. I would really rather be on my own. I can't help thinking or rather, hoping that if Tom gets to know me better when we go back, then he'll start to like me. He's not physically the type I'd go for, I would never usually fancy a guy who's short (Tom is slightly shorter than me, and I'm only 5'5''. He is such a nice person, he's clever, unbelievably laid back, he wants to do things that I'd like to do, I just bloody love him. I believe this to be love and NOT infatuation, because I wouldn't want him to get involved with me while I'm in a relationship, I like him too much. I've been in a relationship like that a long time ago and it's horrible, I wouldn't wish it on him. Having said that, it doesn't stop me from fantasising about him and me in some situation or another, doing things that we'd both like to do, travelling together and sharing our lives. This is doing me in, I can't bloody cope and function properly when I'm thinking like this. HELP!!!!!!
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